Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Another day, another step ahead

So, it turns out that there is the next step in the journey.
It’s called NEIS .
So, basically I need to put together my submission for the program, which is where I am at the moment. I need to work out exactly what I can offer and how much I can ask for my services.
I have some help there with the Australian society of authors listing prices that authors can ask for different services. That’ll count towards my market research.
Then I need to define why I want to do this. Somehow I don’t think that the reason “To get out of being forced into government sanctioned slave labour” is a really useable one.
It means that there’s going to be an extra element to my time as I put things together, plus trying to work out where the money is going to come from to set up everything. At least I can claim that entry into education payment thing to help with the insurance costs. From what they said in the course, you need to pay the insurance by the end of the eight weeks and not at the start of the course, which sort of relieved me.

In other news, I’m a lot more focused lately. I think that the Ads are starting to kick in. I’ve been working on Dark Destinies and thinking of other projects. I even considered a youth writing project which I might be able to add to my business plan called “What it feels like...”

I’ve also been having weird time fusion dreams lately. In them, I’m the age I am now, but they feature people from my past that remain the ages they were. In them, I take on a job or a talking arrangement where I speak about what I’ve been up to. Last night, I was back at Compton, giving a speech about my writing projects to a group of people that I went to high school with (they were still 13ish), which made no sense to me.

Also the pic that I promised from my last blog...

one step at a time

Apparently the first step on the road to recovery is admitting that there is a problem to be fixed. Well, I’ve done that. I went to the doctor’s and asked for some help for my depression and anxiety attacks which seem to be coming more and more frequently lately. Now I’m on anti-depressants, something I had sworn in the past never to do. But I’m seeing the virtue of it now, perhaps more so than I did in the past.
I also have started to tell people. I’ve told my mum, which means that most of MG branch of my family will know by lunchtime. I’ll tell my dad when I talk to him tonight. Fun times (not)
I’m not getting the nausea anymore and I have a ton more energy that I’m focusing on doing things that I actually want to do.
My appetite has also been reduced slightly. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. I’m not eating my emotions anymore, which is weird.
I had a meeting with my job network. I’m sure that my case manager thought that I was stoned because I was all hazy when he tried to talk to me about the future plans that he had for me. I told him that all I needed right now was help to get into the NEIS program. Wonder if they’ll pay for my insurance with that money they have set aside? Makes me wonder, I can’t be the only person with no substantial means that wants to take part in the program. There must be funding somewhere to help out.
Anyway, I’m thinking about going back to the doctor and asking for a medical certificate to give me a little mental health holiday because I have concerns that all this work will not actually help if I’m pushed and prodded by circumstances.

Some stuff you didn’t know...
1. I wanted to be an artist when I grew up
2. I enjoy getting lost if I have nowhere to be
3. I hate being late to things
4. I’m re-reading my Anne of Green Gables novels (I have the whole saga)
5. Jigsaw puzzles help me put stories together

Friday, December 3, 2010

Putting the pieces back together with tissues...

It’s been a long road, but I’ve decided to turn off of the path of self destruction and ask for help.
Tears, anxiety attacks and all that other crap that comes with it. I’ve been there. I did something pretty stupid a few weeks ago and when I realised it at eleven pm that night, I kinda lost it and it made sleep all that harder to find, what with the paranoid thoughts of “what would happen if...” and the heart beat that was humming more than beating because I’d worked myself up into that much of a frenzy. Not to mention that my head hurt cos I tugged at chunks of my hair – nothing came out so I’m not sporting a dodgy comb-over or anything.
It’s been happening a lot lately. The littlest things like the dvd player in my computer going kaput. Temp fix was free. Yes, that panic was unwarranted, and less than the past but it also means I have to change the way I work until I can save up the money to get it fixed... Yeah, like that’s going to happen anytime soon. Maybe after Xmas people will feel more like hiring me. Maybe it’s too optimistic to hope that someone might give me a job before the end of the year.
It took me a while to recognise that I was worth helping. Actually I probably have my job network to thank for it. All this talk about the summation of my so called “working” life meaning nothing to the outside world kinda got to me. I mean, hell, it is made up of all the work for the dole activities I’ve been in as well as all the volunteer work that I’ve done... (for the rest of the rant that goes with this see previous posts cos I’m trying to move on). It made me realise that I want to be in a job where I’m paid what I’m worth, and according to other people (the ones that aren’t paid to have my best interests at heart), it would seem that I’m worth a hell of a lot. At least more than being a member of the Government Sanctioned Slave Labour group anyhow.
So, I’m meeting with _____ in a few weeks to talk a few things through, try to make sense of what has been broken and if there’s a way to put the pieces back together in a way that makes me feel good about being me, without having to give way to my identity, without having to pretend that I’m someone else in order to be what other people want.
Also I have a cold, so it means that the 1st thing to go is my appetite, and sleep. I went out and brought lots of juice, some fruit, and of course, tissues. Lots and lots of tissues.

Friday, November 26, 2010

what it really feels like

‘It’s not about the money, it’s about the experience.’
I’ve heard that line at least fifty times since my first placement in the Work for the Dole program back in 2006, and let me tell you, the more I hear it, the more upset I get. Usually the people that are making this claim are the ones that are being paid to tell me pretty little lies like that.
The Work for the Dole program was introduced to the Australian job-seekers in 1997. Every fortnight a job-seeker receives an itemised statement which tells them how much money the received the previous fortnight. It tells us what we receive (ie. Newstart allowance, Austudy, Rent assistance, Work for the Dole) and it also tells us of any deductions that we’ve asked to be taken out before the money is deposited into our accounts (tax, rent, electricity, phone). I’ve been told by a lot of people to consider all of what I receive to be my ‘earnings’ for taking part in a Work for the Dole program, and yet, I find it hard to do so when we receive itemised statements such as we do. Reality is, we get $20.80 per fortnight (25-50 hours depending on age and amount of time spent on benefits) to do a job. We learn new skills, as a trainee would, yet their pay is higher than ours is. A lot of us choose to pay tax, like any other employed person does, but we cannot claim out-of-pocket Work for the Dole expenses at the end of the financial year. We show up and do the work that is required of us, knowing that if we do not, we don’t get paid. The same goes for those employed in the real world. We’re expected to behave within a set standard of rules and dress codes, just as any other worker is. Yet, we receive just over $20 a fortnight, which, if you work 50 hours a fortnight, is equal to .416 cents per hour.
On the surface, the Work for the Dole program is a good idea. It allows job-seekers who haven’t worked in a long time to experience the work force, gain valuable skills, and also build their self-esteem and motivation to find ‘real’ work. However, as I have discovered over the last four years, that there is also a negative side that seems to never get the publicity it deserves. I’ve been told that the skills that I have gained in administration through many hours of hard work and dedication at $20 a fortnight mean nothing without some sort of qualification. Interestingly enough, I would probably be in the same situation if I had the qualification and no experience to back it up. Work for the Dole did exactly what it was supposed to do: It made me want to work! It did not make me want to sit in a class room, which I had already done for several years before becoming unemployed. I wanted to earn what I was worth, not be subjected to slave-labour rates to do the same job as someone else who might gain the same skills as I do, but earning proper wages.
Presently, I am still unemployed. I have a passion for writing, and helping people out. I have excellent skills in administration that were gained through placement within the Work for the Dole program. I have connections in the Ballarat community, having been nominated for Young Citizen of the Year award in the past for the volunteer work I have done. I also believe very strongly that things have to change in regards to the attitudes of and towards the unemployed.
Whether we like it or not, the unemployed have become a sub-culture in Australia, especially since the economic crisis of the last year where thousands of people were made redundant. To have stereotypes thrown back in our faces like we all lie or that our continued unemployment status is our own fault is, at the very least, discouraging. It is also a reminder that those who are supposed to help us are relying on discriminating comments, hidden in their ‘we want to help you’ tones, and we’re supposed to trust, without question, that these people have our best interests at heart. Such clich├ęs make me distrust the people speaking them, reminding me that someone who relies upon such phrases is probably not the person that I want handling any part of my future.

Pensive Face

“You’ve got pensive face”
Okay, so now I’m quoting an episode of Angel (season one, episode 6, from memory).
Like Angel, I’ve always got pensive face, because I’m always thinking about things that I need to do, and things that I could be doing and things I should be doing. It’s somtimes very noisy in my head. My thoughts are running at around the same speed that I read or speak. My dad has a theory that because I read fast, I tend to process information at fast rate, which sometimes doesn’t communicate itself well when I need to speak.
I was all set to get my ABN this morning while I was at the library when I looked at what I needed. Yeah, oops, I didn’t know I needed my bank details straight away. I used to have them in my phone, but I deleted them when I considered what would happen if I lost my phone. I have my tax file number in there, which I need to do all that ABN stuff. So that has become a “tomorrow” project, just as printing off the next part of Dark Destinies has become.
Yep, I’ve found my way back to Parrinlock and the world of Matilda Baxter and all her little co-horts that bring her back from the dead. All my characters have been through a sort of metamorphosis recently, taking on names that better reflect the worlds that they come from. For example, Matilda’s accuser was once called Amanda Forsythe. Not very 1900s-ish, so I rechristened her something a bit more suited to that era.
There’s still a lot of gaps to clean up at the moment. Major story gaps where I need more, both as the author and the writer. It means that I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. Currently, I’m working on both the soft copy of part two (set in recent times) to bulk that up a little before I start to print it (and therefore cannot work on it) while working on the hard copy of part one that I’ve started printing. My job network is going to LOVE me when they realise how much ink I’ve used – I supply my own scrap paper to print on so they’re not actually out any paper.
I should get back to it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

tell them what they want to hear

Just need to get this out of my system before it devours me, bit by painful bit.

I HATE JOB NETWORKS. There I said it, again. I’m sure that I’ve had this conversation with people in the past. I have a new case manager. It’s up to10 , double digits. Wonder how long this one will last before he gives up on me and hands me off to be someone else’s failure case. It seems to be the fashion. I’m sort of a job agency pass the parcel where the layers that they remove are layers of my already fragile sanity.
They always make it seem like I’m not trying, when I do. I get up every morning, go to the library and apply for jobs. Just because I don’t have the time to sit at a computer for an hour per job, suddenly I’m not trying. If I’m in town, I don’t want to get a parking ticket because I’m applying for a job. If I don’t get the job, I’ll be the one with the parking fine that I can’t afford (and need to beg money from the parental figures).
I always say that you can gauge how bad a session is by how many tears I shed, and how long the negativity lasts.
Reason 1 for the tear explosion: My resume. He said it wasn’t good enough. Now, this was after I had pointed out that I have an incredibly low self worth and low self-esteem. You would think that someone who had been in that situation before (as he repeated several times), would have thought better of ripping my resume apart in front of me. Maybe I wouldn’t have been quite so emotional if he had of just given constructional dot points. No. Instead he made me feel like a complete fucking idiot. Which seems to be a condition of their employment, written on their position description in invisible ink.
Reason 2: He brought up the big No-Go zone – work for the dole (or government sanctioned slave labour). He went on and on about it and how eventually I would have to take part in it. This was about 40 minutes after he had ripped through my resume and said that I have no ‘experience’ because all my admin skills are from volunteer roles and also from Work for the Dole. I asked him how they could justify work for the dole if he thought that (as a fake employer) would not have given me a job based on my experiences in these programs. He couldn’t answer me.
It ended with me saying that, if the time comes, I’ll be going to a doctor and getting a certificate saying that I cannot attend work for the dole because it tends to make me want to hurt myself. If something damages my self worth and my self esteem, I will not participate in it. I couldn’t even get the words out, I was that emotional, about how it made me feel to be forced to take part in it.
Reason 3: I asked for some help, like a referral to someone who could help me make sense of the paperwork I got from Centrelink. Instead I got a lecture how, when he was on the dole and a sole trader it made things complicated. I won’t be making his mistakes. It really annoys me when people try to tell you that just because they failed doing something means that you shouldn’t even try.
When I walked in, I was willing to give the guy a chance. New people deserve that. If every meeting ends with me in tears though, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I can’t go through this again.
I won ‘t go through this again.
I can’t be made to feel like I’m nothing more than a thing, completely void of emotions, or the ability to say ‘no’ if something makes me feel uneasy.
It’s my life. I want a say in how it goes, no matter how little the path seems to be.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Pretty Flowers

So I gave myself flowers yesterday. It’s the first time I’ve picked flowers from my front garden, for any reason. I just wanted to do something for myself. I never get flowers unless something bad is going on. The last guy to give me flowers was my D & D partner back on res in third year. The last time I brought flowers was probably xmas because I needed some to put on my grandparents’ grave when I visited it on Xmas day.
They’re not exactly special flowers or anything. Just some prettiness to make my kitchen seem nicer. Of course, some of the sprigs are already dying out, but I figure that the trees loaded. No one’s going to miss if I pick the occasional flower. Besides, seeing as they’re jacking up my rent, I think I deserve some prettiness. My only regret is that the daffodils and jonquils aren’t in flower anymore because they’re also really sweet. Of course, someone might notice that they’re missing cos there isn’t quite as many of them as there are of the other ones. I even took a photo.

I’ve been taking a lot of photos lately. Of nothing too particular, just things that I’ve noticed, like the way that the sun is setting over Wendouree the other week, a red spider that appeared in my bathroom (that photo did not turn out too well – its really blurry and you can’t make out the colours) and the flowers. Let me state for the record that the spider was dead at the time of the photo being taken. As soon as I saw it I grabbed the spray and one squirt and it died.
I’ve written a few stories along the way, though the original plan for one ended up being tossed aside and I just ended up writing whatever I wanted to.

At the moment I’m reading House of Gaian by Anne Bishop (one of my fave authors).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wrong with me

What’s wrong with me lately? Sometimes I feel completely useless, like nothing I do is right. It’s like no matter how hard I try, there’s always at least one thing in my way that I have to be able to get over. Sometimes I can get over it, and other times its so much of a stumbling block that I don’t see how I can get past it.
I try not to make trouble, raise my voice if I absolutely disagree with things, because if I can’t offer an alternate solution that is fair to everyone, why bother at all? This means that a lot of the time, my feelings, my thoughts go unheard because I feverently don’t want to bother anyone else with this little burden of mine.
It seems wrong to me, that if I work so hard for something, that it doesn’t go anywhere because in order for it to move forward, it needs approval from others. Therefore reinstating that what I do is never going to be good enough for the entire world, or even the vast majority of people.
Why bother even trying to find work? I’m overqualified for a traineeship, I’m underqualified for other jobs. I do not want to sit in a classroom if the studies I take do not lead to anywhere job wise. That medical terminology class I took a few months ago? Yeah, that’s pretty much all forgotten because I’m not using what I learned on a regular basis. The whole aim of taking that course would be that it would make me more employable. Looks like that was a complete waste of my time and the government’s money.
The postman just arrived. There’s probably another couple of rejection letters waiting for me to collect them. Now, I give them a passing glance after I open them before I toss them into the recycling bin. Maybe there, they might end up meaning something.

Permission to Lie

There have been more changes to the way that the Australian Government approach unemployment. Now, instead of going into their offices on a fortnightly basis to hand in a form detailing our jobseeking efforts, it’s all to be done online or on the phone.
Which is fine, if you have internet access on a regular basis or have a phone which allows you to make calls to Centrelink, costing you the same as a local call.
Online used to be optional. It isn’t anymore because the funding isn’t there.
I was in Centrelink this morning and I had my form with me detailing some of the jobs that I applied for. That’s when I got told that they wanted me to do it online. I explained my reservations. They were dismissed as I am not elderly, illiterate or otherwise incapable of using the internet. So I did the internet thing while I was there.
I didn’t have to give any exampled of the jobs I’d applied for and I didn’t need to talk about my volunteer work either. I just had to click on all the right buttons. No proof needed.
Um, okay, so what’s stopping those less honest from tapping all those buttons without actually applying for jobs?
Absolutely nothing.
The Australian Government is giving us permission to lie and cheat the social security system by not encouraging us to go into the offices and sit across from a person. It’s going to make it harder for those of us that do the right thing when this system falls into pieces in six months.
Not that they ever checked the jobs that people applied for anyway. I mean, I’ve heard stories about people writing on their forms that they applied to be an astronaut and they still got paid. Not something I’d want to test though. Knowing my luck I’d get caught in a big stinky lie. To be fair to Centrelink though, there is no way that they could get the funding for one office to check into people’s jobseeking efforts in a town the size of Ballarat, let alone a capital city like Melbourne.
I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I think it’s going to make people lazy about applying for jobs because if they don’t need to show a form, then they’re probably not going to even try.

Monday, October 25, 2010

"Tired, Sleepy, Bye"

“Tired, Sleepy, Bye”
It’s a Buffy quote, but its one that I feel accurately describes the mood I’ve been in lately. There’s still some post-flu fizziness going on. I’m still not sure that going back to the gym to use up the rest of my free passes is a great idea, because, knowing my luck, I’d probably cough and splutter all over the equipment (if I don’t fall off of it first). Most of the time, I’m just so tired that I usually crash before five o clock and its rare that I get anything of substance completed.
Because of the way my head’s been off in never never land, I’ve not written as much as I’d like to either. I’ve only just completed “Rise and Fall” (the necromancer story) in the format for midnight echo, so now I just have to look and make sure that they’re accepting submissions still. Then I can start working on another piece.
I’ve also written a piece for Hit and Miss (it’s a derby magazine) about my time so far with derby. I only have one or two photos of my own that I can use. They print pretty much anything, so who knows. I wrote it ages ago so there was some work to make sure it was still okay.
I just realised that I wrote fizziness instead of fuzziness, but that’s actually a pretty good description of how I feel, plus the whole high bounce rubber ball feeling of ups and downs that come with the medication and inevitable sugar highs that help me feel a little more human.
I was at angus and Robertson today and saw a book that’s written under the pseudonym of Virginia Andrews. It was a vampire book. It made me realise that there is no one that won’t not write a vampire book if it sells in today’s market.
(I know, I’m quoting a vampire tv show, but to be fair, it was cooler than twilight will ever be).
Almost medication time. Happy again.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Writing Werewolves, Vampires and necromancers... Oh my

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Not a surprise there, seeing as I’m writing again. Actual writing, and not editing and re-writing something. This is something new. Well, kind of. That’s another part of the story.
Anyway, when I was home last visiting the family, I got into a discussion about what is selling, book wise at the moment. I said that if I really wanted to be published, all I had to do was write a crappy teen love story, throw in a couple of vampires and werewolves and soon I would be rolling in cash. I was asked why I don’t do that, to which I responded that it would be a bit like selling out. Not to mention that since I’m a massive Buffy fan, my stories would probably run a little too close to that style of vampires, complete with dusty ending. It makes me giggle when I see books that I read as a teen being re-released as special omnibus editions, aimed at getting a new audience from the twilight wannabes.
Though I did read a good vampire book recently, Let the right One In. It’s the one that Let Me In is based on. I haven’t seen the film yet, but I’m sort of interested in seeing it now, just to see how close to the original book it is. It wasn’t all sugary sweet like the Twilight books are, which to my mind, is a good thing. Edward and the rest of his pale bunch are a little too good for me.
So anyway, I have been writing again. My central character is Amber and she’s a necromancer. She’s one of those tough, supernatural characters that I seem to be writing more of lately. I have concerns about it being a little too Buffy or Hollows, but if I am aware of it, I will be able to present it differently.
I realised I needed another necromancer after, while writing the exorcist story I worked on at the start of this year, I killed off the last one because I didn’t like her. She annoyed me. So, she had to go, but I promised myself that I’d find a way to re-create the character again. That means that most likely Candy (the exorcist) and M’Alice (death) will make a cameo appearance in this story. It also means that I get to think like my character will, finding dialogue for her and working all the nuances about mystical human reanimation out. That’s the hardest thing, because its only going to be a short story, so I have to work out a way to present that information (if its important enough) and keep the reader interested.
See, I have this theory that I’m working into the story. If a person dies, but their soul hasn’t been taken through the veil yet, when they are reanimated, they are just as they were when they died. However, if the soul is no longer in the body, then that’s when you get your zombie.
Anyway, so far the story is about Amber taking part in an interrogation of a prisoner who dies during questioning. She reanimates him to get the information, all the time dealing with a co-worker who really hates supernatural people.
I should get back to it, I guess

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sneek Peek. 1st chapter of Ferris Wheel

Press Release


Carnival arrives in town this weekend...

In a world where it is thought ‘cool’ to have the latest of technology within our grasp, Montmerry’s Old World Carnival is pure fresh-air escapism that takes its customers into a world where time seems to have come to a halt. Full of magic and wonder, it is a place where the whole family can find something to make them smile.
Arriving in Milltown, in regional Victoria, on the weekend, this carnival will make its temporary home at the Old Showgrounds on Martins Road. After all of the preparations that will ensure the carnival is safe and fun for all are completed, the gates will open at noon on Saturday for business.
Patrons are reminded that once entry is paid at the gates, tokens will be required if they wish to go on any rides. Tokens are non transferrable and may be purchased every day from the roving token girls. Cash may be used at all food and merchandise stalls.
Montmerry’s Old World Carnival will be open daily, from noon until midnight. Entry is $10 per adult, $5 under 18s. No entry cost for children under five. A percentage of the money taken at the gate will be donated the Children’s Cancer Fund on the final day of the carnival

random rambling update

I don’t know where my head’s been at lately. Just when I think I have it all sorted out, I either get distracted or something happens to throw me off course completely.
To begin...
The job situation has not changed. I still don’t have one and I’m still scrounging by, making do with mediocre meals and walking as much as possible to reduce how much petrol I use. I’m still waiting to hear about any of those jobs in Melbourne. It’s not like they couldn’t send me a courtesy email to let me know the state of things. I’ve covered my job searching “requirements” for this fortnight, so now, if I look for any work, it’s my choice and I don’t need to do it to make a form look good.
Ferris Wheel is coming along, I mean, the manuscript is finished, though last week, I did realise that perhaps Sasha is a little too passive and I was concerned about it, so I’m now working on bringing in slight changes to make her more assertive. I want her to be a strong character, despite the memory loss and everything that she’s going through.
While I’m working on that though, I really do need to get my thumb out of my ass and start editing some of the pieces that are on my computer, see if I can have them published somewhere.
I’m doing the whole premier 30 minutes of exercise for 30 days. The gym pass is helping, though I usually average about 30 minutes as a minimum at home anyway. Now I hurt all over. While I do like/ loathe the cross trainer, I think, perhaps, it’s not the best piece of equipment when one has two slightly dodgy knees. It’s ok, I’ll still go and I’ll still use it. Who knows, it might whittle away the fat.
I read an interesting book last night called soulless, which is a steampunk, urban fantasy novel set in England at the turn of the century at least. It was a little confusing at times, with the author’s need to refer to the character as both their first name as well as “Miss...”. Anyway, it was still a good read.

To end...
Currently I’m reading: Fistful of Charms (Kim Harrison) and Let the Right One in (John Aivide Lindqvist). The first I’ve read a couple of times. The second one’s the novel that a movie called Let me In was based on.
I’m listening to: Celebrity Skin by Hole, soon to be followed up by Songbird by Bernard Fanning

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Business set up concerns

I've been looking into freelance stuff lately, wondering if I should take it on. Actually, there is no should about it. I need money and this might be the best way to do it.
I guess I've always been apprehensive about the whole setting up a business thing. I mean, what if I fail? Also there's the fact that I know so little about it that I'd probably need to pay someone to help me with it and right now there's absolutely no money for an accountant or business set up fees. I'm going to look into the NEIS project again, see if there's some way that I can make the funding work for me. A lot of these projects that I've found require me to be online for longer than I can stay in town without getting some kind of parking ticket. I guess the money would be best used to get the internet access that I'd need as well as help pay the bills when they come up.
Otherwise it's back trying to get access to my super early. I don't know how I'm going to manage that. How do you explain to someone you've never met that you need access to your money to help pay for things that are not debts yet, but only because you don't like being in debt. I think mine is going to be an emotional plea, which probably won't get me anywhere. At least by the end of the day I'll have filled in the forms to roll over my cash into another fund which does allow for early access.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Not everyone worships the AFL

I went back to my home town just last weekend and was asked more than one time "what team do you follow" (referring to AFL). My response? I don't follow football, I follow roller derby... It was met with strange looks, not just because a lot of people have a hard time believing that I am involved with roller derby.
Its not like I have anything against football, apart from the fact that I do find it completely and utterly boring. If it's on tv and I'm at home, I watch a dvd. If I'm at my dad's and it's on, I read a book with my ipod headphones in one ear so that I can still hear him when he speaks to me.
In a way I do get the hero worship, I mean, it's in roller derby too, but what I don't get is that I'm thought of as strange because I choose not to worship this apparently great sport. On grand final day I won't care who wins or loses, it won't make my day any better or worse. But I'd rather be at a roller derby bout or fundraiser than watching football.

Friday, August 27, 2010

New revelations and new plans to keep me writing

I hate waiting...
I know I can be impatient, but when I was told that THE COURIER would publish my article, I expected it to actually do it. The part that's kind of annoying me is that it was actually relevant to everything going on about the election, yet they didn't print it... Maybe they will sometime, but I'm starting to have my doubts about the local media.

Characters have been speaking to me, putting their words into my head, pressuring me to tell their stories. It's interesting, but in order to do it, I need to work out if the voice they are speaking in is too much like other writers I admire or not before investing too much time in a novel. That doesn't mean that I'll not write their stories, but I just have to work out a good way to tell them...
Which kind of leads me to a revelation I had last night... create a new blog written from the perspective of one of my new characters and publicise the hell out of it on facebook until people read it... So, i have a choice of characters... An exorcist named Candy who was orphaned as a teen after a demon possessed and killed both of her parents. Or Death, well, actually her name's M'Alice and she hates the scythe and robe stereotypes. She's been around for a few hundred years so she's got a lot of opinions and ideas about everything.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Don't ask me for sympathy cos you're fat, you won't get it

Another week, another opinion...
Don't come complaining to me if you're fat. I don't want to hear about how you eat badly and don't do enough exercise and therefore don't fit into all the cute little outfits that your friends wear because I'm just not going to be interested...
Where did this complete lack of sympathy come from, you might wonder? I mean, hell, I am a fatty too. But, the flipside is that I acknowledge, but do not complain about it or beg for sympathy anymore. It takes up too much energy and I just do not have time for all that crap.
If you want sympathy, try not to be the source of your own problems. you can blame childbirth if you want, but after a few years, is that really a reasonable excuse? You can blame the fast food companies for making good food, but you're the one's handing over money in exchange for greasy goodness posing as food. Don't complain to me that you're suddenly feeling fat after you eat that. Get up and get your body moving. Get rid of that burger or at least a percentage of it.
Obesity is an epidemic, it's true, but it's one that's connected to self-harm if people are eating rather than dealing with their emotions (I know something about this cos this is how I got my excess kilos).
Okay, so I'll sign off with this fianl thought... How is eating bad foods en masse, which will damage the body for the longer term and not exercising any of it off, any different from damagind the external shell of skin by cutting, burning or any other method that the mentally delicate choose?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It's possible that I'm not meant for internet social networking

It's possible that I'm not meant to be a social creature, even on the internet...
Why is it that people think that if you add them on facebook that you are automatically bestest of buds with them? I know its the whole social networking thing, trying to get new friends and contacts, but seriously...
I don't like the chat function on facebook. More to the point, the chat function on facebook does not seem to like me. It either takes me a few hits of the keyboard to get my reply up, it also does this thing where it just shuts down as well or there are those people that call complete strangers "hun" or "honey" because they think that you're friends with them on facebook, that it gives them the right to give you an insulting petname that they think is endearing but is really demeaning. Not every female wants to be called hun or honey by complete strangers. In fact, I find it creepy on a large scale... I don't know whether they think that cos I'm a fat chick that I need the whole reassurance thing that someone thinks I'm special. I ALREADY KNOW THAT. I do not need some random person using pet names to tell me that. I am a kick ass writer and wannabe derby ref in equal measure. I am also a good friend, aunt, daughter, sister.
Still waiting to see my article in The Courier... Hmmm. Hope that they don't print it in the Loop, because that would be weird as I'm no longer "youth" anymore in terms of age. Back to the waiting game.
Idea of the day....
A girl after visiting her local cemetery becomes sick. Thinks that it's the flu. It's not. It's a ghost that attached itself to her....
What I'm reading...
I finished re-reading 6th target by James Patterson and Club Dead by Charlaine Harris last night. Was reading them concurrently.
What I'm listening to...
At the moment, Glee songs are playing on my ipod

Friday, July 23, 2010

research and more research

So, I'm sitting in my job network listening to glee songs piped through my ipod and all I can think is what else could I be researching? Or even talking abou on this blog
I've already looked into mysticism and some other psych stuff that was connected to it becuase I'm trying to find new inspiration for post-ferris wheel writing, cos let's face it, at the moment I really do have NOTHING to follow it with. Not that the exorcist story doesn't have potential, it does, sort of. Though I do think it's a little too Buffy/ Hollows and its almost like I'm trying to write in someone else's style... They say that imitation is a great way to show your respect, but I'm still not all that sure. I"d rather be known for having my own voice than making a crappy copy of someone else's good work.
On the other side of things, it's derby time again, going to watch the Ballarat girls take on Geelong. I won't be cheering. Damn NSO role. Alright, I'll write it here... Go Rat Pack. There I got it out oy system. I can be impartial on Sunday now.
I need inspiration
And a job seeing as I tanked the last interview. It was totally crap. I had to be all polite while they rejected me on the phone. Meanwhile, it completely messed everything up for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Catching up

It's been a little quiet on the writing front. I blame roller derby myself. A bout on Saturday and training on Sunday. Okay, to be absolutely fair, I rarely do write on Sunday as it is usually my rest day but still.
So, it might take me a little longer to get Ferris Wheel on the go as a self-published novel, but that has more to do with the whole having no money to pay someone to design the cover as well as buying the 5 copies before it goes on sale and the buying the whole isbn thing (yes, I do want a barcode). That's okay. Just means I'll have to do really well at this interview tomorrow and impress them. Why is it that I can sell myself on paper but then it turns out that I suck at selling myself in person? Hmmm. See, now that just makes me think of prostitution.
Okay, so on the non fiction writing front, my article was rejected from the Courier due to length, so dilligent little me ended up spending last week re-editing trying to cut it down before realising that it was easier just to re-write the whole thing, keeping in key paragraphs from the previous article. Wow, i really do write like I talk. Made me appreciate those people that can write really brief articles and short stories. guess I'm just a little longwinded

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So, I'm being a good little writer person... I just sent of two totally different pieces to two different places. Cross those fingers people if you can.
The first was a short non-fiction article written about my experiences being unemployed. It was sent to the local paper. Let's see how long it is before they reject me as a freelance writer, seeing as they really do not want me on as staff. I've applied for more jobs with them than I have fingers or toes to count them on.
The other was a short story that I sent to Aurealis. While they don't usually print anything of mine, they do give feedback on every piece that they have rejected. The story, Divine Deception, is about trying to get out of a deal with Hecate.
The total book geek in me is apprehensively awaiting the next year's release of Twilight's Dawn by Anne Bishop. I have loved all of her books so far, and I knew that she'd take one of the characters where she's taking them. But, I think it is going to end up making me cry.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So, it turns out that if you don't do any extra excercise after three days, it takes you a little more to get back into it all. But on the upside, I have been catching up on the new season 4 supernatural dvds that i took of layby on the weekend (they were on the same layby as my new quilt, which I love).
But the downside is that I'm not pushing myself as much as I usually would. It's a bit more of a struggle than usual to get to 50 situps and pushups that I aim for, and the lightheaded sensations when it's all done are back again. It's weird. Also, it hurts a lot more afterwards. My poor stomach muscles. They have never done this much work. Of course, when I first started derby over a year ago, I couldn't even do one proper situp (and we won't even go into how bad my pushups were back then). Now, I can do 50 without whining too much. Go derby.

It's the same with writing too. I mean, if I don't write for a few days, it takes me a bit to get back into new and old projects with the same amount of gutso that I usually have. That's probably where this blog is a good thing. It makes me write. Mostly about nothing important, just random rambling for the sake of it.

Also, big thanks and all to my most generous friends who anonymously left a whole heap of groceries on my doorstep the other night. Thank you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

There seems to be a thought process out there that the unemployed are making a conscious choice to remain so... But really, who would choose... To freeze in winter because you know that the power bill at the end of it will be more than you can afford To have no social life because you can't go afford to go anywhere To live on crap brand foods and 2 minute noodles becasue the whole "feed a family of 4 for $10" is a crock of shit To feel more depressed and anxious by the day as bills and rejection letters come in the mail. Wearing clothes until they fall apart or are too thin and worn through to be worn in public To spend every day applying for jobs, knowing that they will most likely be rejected To become more and more paranoid that new changes to the system mean that there is more chance that money will be taken from you To be forced into government sanctioned slave labour appropriately mislabled as "work experience" or "work for the dole" The idea that we all choose to remain unemployed is a lie, but it is one that the Australian government is confident with charging us with so that they can continue to label us with the generalisations and stereotypes. Then there's the idea buzzing around like a pathetic little bee that is sure to sting a lot of people... If people under 30 claim unemployment they will be pushed into taking jobs where there are skills shortages... Okay, so it's a job, but how will businesses feel, being forced into taking on employees who do not have the pre-requisite skills to do the job, nor do they have the passion or drive to do so... Yeah, that's going to end so well, because violating the right of people's right to choose where their lives go is so cool and in at the moment apparently. Who would choose to live like this?