Saturday, October 22, 2016

Welcome to my world

Trigger warning: contains references to self-harm, suicide

In my world, things aren't easy to explain, to vocalise. When I am hurting, I tend to shut down, refusing to let anyone in. So many times, I wanted to reach out but I felt like I didn't have the right to.
Here’s what it can be like in my world.
I get so anxious that my heart isn't racing do much as humming. I know that’s not healthy but I won't do anything to stop it except try and breathe deeply.
There have been times when I get so anxious, I curl up in a ball on the floor and become almost catatonic. I just sit, stare at nothing and let my brain overwhelm me with worst case scenarios. I have moments still where my brain and body go on pause and I have to work through it.
I am not ‘actively suicidal’ but my mind does go to ending my life at times.
I don't drink heavily or use hallucinogenic drugs, not because I don't enjoy it, but I know that I am at risk of addiction of anything that numbs my inner turmoil, even on a temporary scale
I have a diagnosis of high blood pressure, but because of my size the doctor’s hesitate to look for a psychological cause, refusing to acknowledge anxiety because my diet or exercise regime is easier for them to attack that my mind.
When I go into ‘full anxiety mode’, the worst thing that you can do is touch me. Seriously, just don't, and while you’re at it don't tell me that it is all going to be okay, or to not think about it.
I crave physical connection, but I can't bring myself to actively touch another unless it's on my terms, and there is a reason for the action. 
I can't verbalise how much people mean to me because, even though I want to say it, the words aren't there.
I babble like an idiot, saying too much, or other times I am distant, not saying anything at all.
What goes on in my head can be beautiful, or it can open up doors to horrible self destruction.
I am numb right now, I feel even as I write this that I should feel more, that there should be a physical pain to compensate for what is going on in my head.
There’s probably more to tell you, but I will leave those confessions for another time