Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Another day, another step ahead

So, it turns out that there is the next step in the journey.
It’s called NEIS .
So, basically I need to put together my submission for the program, which is where I am at the moment. I need to work out exactly what I can offer and how much I can ask for my services.
I have some help there with the Australian society of authors listing prices that authors can ask for different services. That’ll count towards my market research.
Then I need to define why I want to do this. Somehow I don’t think that the reason “To get out of being forced into government sanctioned slave labour” is a really useable one.
It means that there’s going to be an extra element to my time as I put things together, plus trying to work out where the money is going to come from to set up everything. At least I can claim that entry into education payment thing to help with the insurance costs. From what they said in the course, you need to pay the insurance by the end of the eight weeks and not at the start of the course, which sort of relieved me.

In other news, I’m a lot more focused lately. I think that the Ads are starting to kick in. I’ve been working on Dark Destinies and thinking of other projects. I even considered a youth writing project which I might be able to add to my business plan called “What it feels like...”

I’ve also been having weird time fusion dreams lately. In them, I’m the age I am now, but they feature people from my past that remain the ages they were. In them, I take on a job or a talking arrangement where I speak about what I’ve been up to. Last night, I was back at Compton, giving a speech about my writing projects to a group of people that I went to high school with (they were still 13ish), which made no sense to me.

Also the pic that I promised from my last blog...

one step at a time

Apparently the first step on the road to recovery is admitting that there is a problem to be fixed. Well, I’ve done that. I went to the doctor’s and asked for some help for my depression and anxiety attacks which seem to be coming more and more frequently lately. Now I’m on anti-depressants, something I had sworn in the past never to do. But I’m seeing the virtue of it now, perhaps more so than I did in the past.
I also have started to tell people. I’ve told my mum, which means that most of MG branch of my family will know by lunchtime. I’ll tell my dad when I talk to him tonight. Fun times (not)
I’m not getting the nausea anymore and I have a ton more energy that I’m focusing on doing things that I actually want to do.
My appetite has also been reduced slightly. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. I’m not eating my emotions anymore, which is weird.
I had a meeting with my job network. I’m sure that my case manager thought that I was stoned because I was all hazy when he tried to talk to me about the future plans that he had for me. I told him that all I needed right now was help to get into the NEIS program. Wonder if they’ll pay for my insurance with that money they have set aside? Makes me wonder, I can’t be the only person with no substantial means that wants to take part in the program. There must be funding somewhere to help out.
Anyway, I’m thinking about going back to the doctor and asking for a medical certificate to give me a little mental health holiday because I have concerns that all this work will not actually help if I’m pushed and prodded by circumstances.

Some stuff you didn’t know...
1. I wanted to be an artist when I grew up
2. I enjoy getting lost if I have nowhere to be
3. I hate being late to things
4. I’m re-reading my Anne of Green Gables novels (I have the whole saga)
5. Jigsaw puzzles help me put stories together

Friday, December 3, 2010

Putting the pieces back together with tissues...

It’s been a long road, but I’ve decided to turn off of the path of self destruction and ask for help.
Tears, anxiety attacks and all that other crap that comes with it. I’ve been there. I did something pretty stupid a few weeks ago and when I realised it at eleven pm that night, I kinda lost it and it made sleep all that harder to find, what with the paranoid thoughts of “what would happen if...” and the heart beat that was humming more than beating because I’d worked myself up into that much of a frenzy. Not to mention that my head hurt cos I tugged at chunks of my hair – nothing came out so I’m not sporting a dodgy comb-over or anything.
It’s been happening a lot lately. The littlest things like the dvd player in my computer going kaput. Temp fix was free. Yes, that panic was unwarranted, and less than the past but it also means I have to change the way I work until I can save up the money to get it fixed... Yeah, like that’s going to happen anytime soon. Maybe after Xmas people will feel more like hiring me. Maybe it’s too optimistic to hope that someone might give me a job before the end of the year.
It took me a while to recognise that I was worth helping. Actually I probably have my job network to thank for it. All this talk about the summation of my so called “working” life meaning nothing to the outside world kinda got to me. I mean, hell, it is made up of all the work for the dole activities I’ve been in as well as all the volunteer work that I’ve done... (for the rest of the rant that goes with this see previous posts cos I’m trying to move on). It made me realise that I want to be in a job where I’m paid what I’m worth, and according to other people (the ones that aren’t paid to have my best interests at heart), it would seem that I’m worth a hell of a lot. At least more than being a member of the Government Sanctioned Slave Labour group anyhow.
So, I’m meeting with _____ in a few weeks to talk a few things through, try to make sense of what has been broken and if there’s a way to put the pieces back together in a way that makes me feel good about being me, without having to give way to my identity, without having to pretend that I’m someone else in order to be what other people want.
Also I have a cold, so it means that the 1st thing to go is my appetite, and sleep. I went out and brought lots of juice, some fruit, and of course, tissues. Lots and lots of tissues.