Sunday, October 5, 2014

Hard to breathe... A Commentary

Warning: Here lies darkness...

We get so down on people who are depressed and suicidal for not asking for help, but when it comes to it, do we realise just how hard it is to say those three words?
Do people who have never been there know how those words get stuck in your throat, unable to move and making it impossible to breath?
Do they know the pain of reaching out, only to be made to feel as if you were a burden for speaking of these horrible dark things and ruining their day?
Do they know that you feel selfish for asking them to hear, really hear, what you have you say?
Do they know that really you're just waiting for them to notice how you are not dealing with life?
Do they know the pain of having your every effort dismissed as if it were worthless, making it even hard to open your mouth and tell them the pain they are (likely without meaning to) causing you?
Do they just assume you are cold and distant because you have nothing to say, not realising that if maybe they asked you why, you might tell the truth instead of just saying that you're fine?
Depression chokes us. It tells us the lie that we are a burden on the world, that we are being selfish for wanting to talk about it out loud with someone, that what we are doing is making their lives that little bit darker and harder yo deal with. Depression shows us for who we are, and those vulnerabilities and truth make other people afraid of us.
One day a year we ask people if they are ok... Maybe we should ask more than that and actually listen to everything they are communicating with us, from their words, to the non verbal communication.
Because it is so easy to say that we are fine, that we are okay when people ask us, because our depression allows us to shape those lies, because it knows that people will accept them at face value,
The real fight is to go beyond the choking sensation and look someone in the eye and tell them that no, you are not okay and if they can/will listen, you might be able to fight your inner demons long enough to express the words that you need to say.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Sneak peek of upcoming project

We were taken on a tour of the facility.

We saw the rows of beds where participants were bound to as their bodies adjusted to the hardware. The stench of fear was overpowering, smelling akin to human bodily waste. The sheets on the bed were messed, as if the facility had been abandoned on that last day.

We went to the Procedure Chamber, where our looks of revulsion were barely mirrored in those horrible shiny blue tiles that were cracked under their film of mildew. The smell of excrement was strong in this room, wafting to out nostrils from the rotting, sodden mattress on the bed in the middle of that room. A dish of lights to shine down on people hung from an angle in the ceiling. Several of those globes were cracked or completely missing. The dish itself was tarnished.

This was not a space to linger in.

(C) Patricia Kekewick 2014

Saturday, May 3, 2014

On the train ride home...

It was the jewel that got my attention first, not the silver lacework setting or the long chain that it hung on. I only had eyes for that large, red, multi-faceted stone.
I told myself that it had to be a fake stone. I thought that no one would wear something like that in a town like this if it was real.
Then, to distract myself, I looked closer at the setting. I really paid attention to that silver, metal lacework. It was an unusual design, a unique one. One such as only few people ever wear it.
Whoever this woman was, she was either a brave sort of stupid or someone very dangerous.
It couldn't be, I told myself, forcing my eyes to the phone in my hands. I lifted it as if checking a message and snapped a photo of her to show my friends.
Then I dropped the phone back into my bag and went to looking out the train window as if I thought the back yards we passed by were utterly compelling.
I couldn't wait to show my friends that I had finally seen one of Them.

Monday, March 24, 2014

On you marks, get set...

It's almost Camp NaNoWriMo time and because I am super organised, sometimes, I am getting my ideas together so that I can add another 35 000 words to Dark Destiny, bringing it to almost 80 000 words.
I am getting my picture prompts, one sentence ideas and character sketches ready.
So much busy.
So many words.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

It's the end of the year as I know it...

2013 is drawing to a close and I thought I'd share some of my personal milestones with you all (both major and minor)...
* read over 25o individual books
* submitted manuscripts to publishers
* participated in Nanowrimo 2nd year in a row, getting to the 50000 word point
Holding 3 jobs at the one time, one for more than a year!