Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Back To Where It Feels Bad

How do you explain to someone that the reason you're there is because you feared being there in the first place?
I am in the process of signing up with the job network again (3rd time's a charm apparently) and one of the first questions they will ask, before begrudging my educational background, is why I flunked my last interview. It's a valid question and it has a simple answer: I was anxious about ending up in the very place that I inevitably ended up. I knew it was a possibility that I might end up back in the system and so I was plagued by that insecurity. How can you perform well, knowing that you will end up in a place where your mental health is treated like a child's plaything or is analysed by people with no more psychological insights than your average Dr Philip viewer? It is all a little too much. The fact that after I interviewed so badly, I went back and performed the same job that I'd interviewed for was a hard task, but I am a professional, so that is what I did. Same as when I have been called in to fill in for someone in the same role since. I bear no grudges to my interviewers. It isn't their fault I lack the capability to speak positively about myself or represent myself confidently.
So, that's where I am, back to where it just feels bad.