Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Blame game

Running away from your problems is easy. It's just as easy to blame another on your life path. If you're not to blame, then you don't have to be called into question and held accountable for what has gone wrong.
I've come to accept the darkness andthe light within myself. I am accountable for everything I saw and do (or don't do), making choices within the limitations that I have imposed upon me.
As a ruile, I don't say something behind another's back that I wouldn't say to their faces. I accept that I'm a bitch, I don't try to hide it because denying that part of your personality makes it seem as if you've got something to be ashamed of

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Fiction Pieces are fun to write

Because I'm at the library and I'm supposed to be working on something, I wrote a little fiction piece and sharing it here.

His eyes watched me every step I took. I couldn’t account for his sudden and regular attention. He didn’t know me, didn’t know a thing about me. I had given my skirt a bit of a tug to bring its hemline closer to me knees and subtly pulled at my top to reduce the amount of cleavage I had on display. Actually, by my own dress standards, I was showing a lot less than I usually did if I had been just dagging about at home. My hair wasn’t flying about my face, having been pulled back into a semi-serious attempt at a ponytail/ plait thing.
I looked at my reflection in the glass. A transparent image of myself looked back, wearing the same quirky, curious expression on its face that I had seen in many reflections and photographs.
My heart began to beat a little faster when I realised that I could see him in the reflection too. He was watching me as he looked over the top of his computer screen. There was amusement in those eyes, which pissed me off. Who the hell was he to be amused by me? I really hoped that he was enjoying himself, getting a giggle at my discomfort at his consistent attention.
I sighed and turned back to the stack of books on the desk in front of me. I really needed to get this research done before the library closed. I still had to go home and work on my essay outline. Inhale, exhale, I reminded myself as I turned my attention to the first book and picked up a pen to make notes on the scrap paper beside me. He’s there and he isn’t going anywhere. You might as well get your work done. Just ignore him.
I made it through the first two books when the sound of someone sneezing nearby brought me out of my study hypnosis state. For some time, I had forgotten that someone was watching me. I sighed, and stretched my arms out behind me so that I could see if he was there still. I’m just making sure that he’s not still watching me, I told myself as I saw that someone else was sitting where he had been before.
Well, that’s a relief, I thought as I turned my attention back to the books. I looked above them and saw him looking down at me.
“What are you watching me for?” he demanded as he glared at me.

Feel it coming

I know that there's something not right with me.
Yesterday, I fell asleep with my head on the desk for a couple of minutes and when i am awake, I feel constantly drained, complete with the CBF attitude.
I feel teary when I read books that I have read 50 times before. I'm just happy that I'm not watching soap operas at the moment. When you cry during a scene on Neighbours, you know that there is something seriously not right.
My thoughts, when i have them are darkly tinted and heading deeper down into the black.

I know that a breakdown is on the horizon. I can feel it. I can read the signs.
For me, a breakdown is a release of all repressed emotions and feelings, knowing that once it's over, it's done with for a couple more months.
Until then I'll do the weird thing with my hair, the bold coloured clothes and assure myself that there isn't really anything that wrong with me.
Also, I'll stock up on tissues so I'm prepared when that critical moment hits me.
Yeah, solving my issues with tissues again. Lots of sodden, snotty pieces of nothing filling a bin that no one else will see.
This somehow proves that I'm human.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

why is it so hard...

I never thought I'd say this, but I've forgotten how to apply for jobs.
Well, not really in those words, but still, I had forgotten how hard it is to write a coherent application letter based on a few lines of duties. Give me a detailed position description to work with any day people. At least if I have that I know what I'm getting in for.
Of course, not all jobs out there have a detailed position description to give to applicants. All they're interested in is hiring someone that can do the job based on what's written in the application letter.
I suck at writing application letters. I'll admit that freely. My ultimate suckage does come from a place of low self-esteem/ low self worth though. I mean, after a few days worth of rejection letters filling your mail box, all you can think is, am I really worth it?
Of course, you can't show any personality in your application letters. Heavens forbid that you write anything original, you wouldn't be taken to be serious about the job.
In my days as a job seeker on the dole, I had to take many job application classes/ one-on-one tutorials that tried to wring every bit of originality and personality out of my letters and resumes because 'employers don't want to see that'. It's all about making the job of hiring someone as easy as possible for the employers.
I remember feeling anger at the suggestion that, in order to make things easier for potential employers to understand, I lie about completing my VCE. I never completed my VCE, because I completed my SACE. Of course, I was advised to write VCE or VCE equivalent because that way my potential employers would know what I was talking about. And here I was assuming that they would have the capability to understand that SACE was probably the same thing as VCE already.
I can't remember what I was ranting about now.
Oh, right, the job market.
I want to work. At the moment, I'm working for myself but I could use a little extra cash, which I want to earn.
Why is it all so hard?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

If I had paid attention in high school... I probably wouldn't be a writer now

When I was in high school, I used to write stories to keep my mind occupied during lackluster classes. If I wasn't connecting with the subject, I'd look like I was writing notes when I was really writing a story. I did it for my own entertainment as much as I did it for my friends who, when they realised what I was up to, asked to read the latest installments. These stories all shared a similar vein - the isolation of the outcast and the feelings that could cause when pushed to extreme situations. It was high school and I was watching a lot of slasher/ horror movies with my friends so it's fair to say those stories were not light and cheerful in any way.
At university, I steered away from this past-time as I was being constantly challenged to think in innovative ways about subjects that had only been hinted at before in high school classrooms. Though, if I did have an idea that I knew I'd be exploring at a later time, I'd write it down immediately (and simultaneously disturbing the attention of the person next to me - who had been paying full attention to the lecturer).
It was while I was in a 'preparing for work' class as a jobseeker that the basis for my novella Ferris Wheel ran from my mind to my hands where it started typing it into a word document (which seemed to always minimise whenever my teacher would come to check on the work I'd completed). It started with something simple, watching a belly dancing performance, and the feelings that it brought to its observers.
It became clearer to me than any other time since that that I am a writer. I can't shut out my muse, tell her I'm taking a break for a little while, or I'm working on something else. It's still there, knocking at my door with a new list of ideas and genres to explore.
When I self-published Ferris Wheel, I did it as part of the NEIS program, a snippet of a wider creative business. It was my way of showing the world that I was there and that I had a story to tell.
Over the last year I've done things that I never thought I would. I've pushed myself to use the skills I have to benefit a wider audience than my peer group.
Quite simply, I made a change and I can't wait to do more

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Why I love what I do :)

Today has just become print day.
That's right I've just completed another copy of my Dark Destinies (*working title*) manuscript. It has gone from 50 pages to 56. That's around about another 3000 words approximately. And yes, I do take into account all that stuff. It might not be altogether mentally healthy and partially obsessive to think that those things matter but it all does.
Because I'm all technically self-employed now I have to use my own printer with MY ink and MY paper instead of a government agency, but these are things that I choose to accept as that which I cannot change.
Anyways, I just wanted to share how much I love what I do. I really do. I create worlds where anything can happen. I get to explore the light and dark parts of the human psyche while keeping my own relatively safe. I take a simple thing and give it layers, depth and motivation. My darker characters aren't "bad guys" just because they have to be or because I need someone to create conflict with my central character. They have reasons for being that way and I love working with them, finding that moment when I realise what it's all leading to.
And that's a major part of my own being. I need that to survive.
In another job, I'd be still writing, still creating characters or dialogue. I'd just be writing it on a scrap paper that I then take home and put into a file and probably never follow it up because 'reality' would overtake me, pushing aside the need to create my own stories. In the 'real world' I would sit at a desk with a vacant look on my face because I'm there physically but my mind is constantly elsewhere, creating new stories.
Why wouldn't I love a job like mine

Though there are days when I feel like this picture about(like today now that the main part of the work is done)
Original image from: http://www.coneinc.com/contentmgr/showdetails.php/id/2092/view_type/950060/tagid/62

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012 resolutions

A new year, a whole heap of resolutions:
- as usual, I will lose at least 10 kilos through improving my diet and exercise routine
- I will publish another book
- I will attend TGSS
- I will smile a lot more
- I'm already a pretty great friend to have, but I vow that I will try harder to be more understanding of what other people are going through
- I will get my finances under control
- I will get a job and/ or run my business to it's full capabilities
- I will write more blogs that are more interesting than this is