It’s been a long road, but I’ve decided to turn off of the path of self destruction and ask for help.
Tears, anxiety attacks and all that other crap that comes with it. I’ve been there. I did something pretty stupid a few weeks ago and when I realised it at eleven pm that night, I kinda lost it and it made sleep all that harder to find, what with the paranoid thoughts of “what would happen if...” and the heart beat that was humming more than beating because I’d worked myself up into that much of a frenzy. Not to mention that my head hurt cos I tugged at chunks of my hair – nothing came out so I’m not sporting a dodgy comb-over or anything.
It’s been happening a lot lately. The littlest things like the dvd player in my computer going kaput. Temp fix was free. Yes, that panic was unwarranted, and less than the past but it also means I have to change the way I work until I can save up the money to get it fixed... Yeah, like that’s going to happen anytime soon. Maybe after Xmas people will feel more like hiring me. Maybe it’s too optimistic to hope that someone might give me a job before the end of the year.
It took me a while to recognise that I was worth helping. Actually I probably have my job network to thank for it. All this talk about the summation of my so called “working” life meaning nothing to the outside world kinda got to me. I mean, hell, it is made up of all the work for the dole activities I’ve been in as well as all the volunteer work that I’ve done... (for the rest of the rant that goes with this see previous posts cos I’m trying to move on). It made me realise that I want to be in a job where I’m paid what I’m worth, and according to other people (the ones that aren’t paid to have my best interests at heart), it would seem that I’m worth a hell of a lot. At least more than being a member of the Government Sanctioned Slave Labour group anyhow.
So, I’m meeting with _____ in a few weeks to talk a few things through, try to make sense of what has been broken and if there’s a way to put the pieces back together in a way that makes me feel good about being me, without having to give way to my identity, without having to pretend that I’m someone else in order to be what other people want.
Also I have a cold, so it means that the 1st thing to go is my appetite, and sleep. I went out and brought lots of juice, some fruit, and of course, tissues. Lots and lots of tissues.