Venting

Very frustrated...
Very annoyed...
This story is NOT coming together. It’s still a complete and utter blur. All that I have is a bunch of questions that I can’t answer at all.
I think I just need to take a step back and assess the story. See if it’s actually worth developing it further than the short story it is at the moment.
It just annoys me because I’ve put in a lot of work in the planning stages, getting those questions writtten and now I feel like it’s been a waste of time.
So annoying.
So frustrating.
On to the next project I guess. I’ll put aside my notes until I feel the characters speak to me again. Maybe by then I’ll be able to answer the questions that I have.

overtired eyes

I've been writing a lot of bits and pieces lately. Mainly just blog type articles that I hope will garner me an income at a later date. I'm doing all the prep work so that when it comes to starting my business post-neis then I will have stuff ready to go.
That's if I get in.
It's still kind of in hiatus mode as I wait for them to tell me what's going on. It's making me really unfocused and a little jittery. I don't like waiting this long for an answer. I ned to know what's going on now so that I can make plan of attack for the next coupld of days...
I need coffee. Like really bad. This morning I got up, had a shower and then sat on the bedroom floor for five minutes just staring at the carpet. Really trippy stuff. My overtired eyes started playing games with me and it made my horrible hodgepodge carpet seem as if bugs were moving all over it. Kinda glad I didn't drive over to the library today (drivers in wendouree are probably also glad).
I hate waiting...

random 25 things post

1. I learned how to swear in Chinese from watching "firefly"
2. One day I want to be a published author
3. I do not believe that job networks know what is best for everyone (despite thinking they do)
4. I hate party lines
5. I look after other people better than I look after myself
6. I don't usually respond to forwarded notes
7. I can be annoying at times when I ask questions (lots of them)
8. I am afraid of deep water and cannot jump into the deep end of a pool or go on a waterslide
9. I believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion, but not everyone is enlightened enough to see the truth
10. I think we're all a little crazy on some level
11. I read over 700 books last year (but at least 50 of them were constant rereads)
12. I am a Joss Whedon geek - I love all his shows
13. When I was 19, I rolled a car on the way back to Ballarat and it freaked me out
14. People who talk aloud to themselves freak me out a little - am I supposed to pretend not to hear them?
15. I read a lot more than I write
16. I am a sugar addict - it makes me happy
17. I believe that everyone has the right to make their own informed choices and that no one has to be a sheep unless they cannot think for themselves
18. I apply for jobs I do not want to keep the government from cutting me off and making me homeless (or making me have to live in my car until I had to sell it cos I cannot pay insurance)
19. I am not afraid of spiders, like I won't scream when I see one, but if there is one inside, I will kill it to stop it from biting me (unless its a daddy longlegs)
20. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get up the guts to do something really important with my life
21. I hate it when other people make me question my worth. They have no right to
22. I think the people who have the power are too busy bring pleased with themselves that they are not willing to listen to anything that might help them to better use said power.
23. I have absolutely no idea what my derby name might end up being - seriously. No idea
24. I will master not falling on my butt when I roller skate by the end of Fresh Meat - seriously, yesterday's injury still hurts a little.
25. I always aim to only work on one story, but then a character pops itself into my mind and I feel like I should at least try to write something about them. 20 odd thousand words later I have a story that needs serious culling

I don’t know how I managed to do it, but somehow I was able to convince the people at BRACE that I was NEIS material, at least initially. I got into the pre-NEIS course. A big sigh of relief on my part. I had to call them about it because I hadn’t heard anything yet. I’ve got a meeting with my job network this afternoon, so I kind of want to know where I stand with NEIS before I sign anything with my job network that I don’t need to.
I know that getting into the pre-NEIS classes still don’t mean that I’m doing the whole program thing, but it’s a lot closer that I thought I would get. I mean, I still might completely stuff it all up yet, but I’m trying this whole not being negative thing.
Otherwise, I’ve just been doing derby stuff and re-working bits of Ferris Wheel. Actually, I’m going to start another print round this afternoon while I’m at my job network. I’m going in early so that I can do bits and pieces that I put off yesterday because my computer had a conniption fit when I tried to even go on gmail. I should make a list of what I need to do, but I’m kinda in the can’t be bothered place again.
It’s been going on for a while. Unless I’m working on ferris Wheel, I’m not actually doing anything worthwhile when it comes to my writing. I’m pretty sure that I have writer’s block. This blog is the first bit of writing I’ve done in a while that has come directly from my mind and not from inspiration through tarot cards.

in the cards

I've always liked tarot cards, even before I owned a deck. I was obsessed with knowing all that I could about them.
I brought my first deck when I was on my break year (the year I took off between uni and high school). It wasn't a traditional deck by any means. I don't know where the cards are anymore. I had to stop using them after I got a little too obsessed with knowing what was going to happen. I started to treat them like radio horoscopes. In the end I put them aside and tried to like my life without the guidance they gave me.
For a while, it worked. But after my grandfather passed away in my first year of uni, I found myself looking for something.
I found the cards as part of a fortune telling kit.
I've read for myself and for others. I've seen breakups, money and much more. I have an 80% success rate when i read for other people, whether they realise it at the time.
I also use the cards in my writing. I'll use them if I don't know where the characters are supposed to be heading or where the story would go.
What happens next? It's in the cards

Another day, another step ahead

So, it turns out that there is the next step in the journey.
It’s called NEIS .
So, basically I need to put together my submission for the program, which is where I am at the moment. I need to work out exactly what I can offer and how much I can ask for my services.
I have some help there with the Australian society of authors listing prices that authors can ask for different services. That’ll count towards my market research.
Then I need to define why I want to do this. Somehow I don’t think that the reason “To get out of being forced into government sanctioned slave labour” is a really useable one.
It means that there’s going to be an extra element to my time as I put things together, plus trying to work out where the money is going to come from to set up everything. At least I can claim that entry into education payment thing to help with the insurance costs. From what they said in the course, you need to pay the insurance by the end of the eight weeks and not at the start of the course, which sort of relieved me.

In other news, I’m a lot more focused lately. I think that the Ads are starting to kick in. I’ve been working on Dark Destinies and thinking of other projects. I even considered a youth writing project which I might be able to add to my business plan called “What it feels like...”

I’ve also been having weird time fusion dreams lately. In them, I’m the age I am now, but they feature people from my past that remain the ages they were. In them, I take on a job or a talking arrangement where I speak about what I’ve been up to. Last night, I was back at Compton, giving a speech about my writing projects to a group of people that I went to high school with (they were still 13ish), which made no sense to me.

Also the pic that I promised from my last blog...

one step at a time

Apparently the first step on the road to recovery is admitting that there is a problem to be fixed. Well, I’ve done that. I went to the doctor’s and asked for some help for my depression and anxiety attacks which seem to be coming more and more frequently lately. Now I’m on anti-depressants, something I had sworn in the past never to do. But I’m seeing the virtue of it now, perhaps more so than I did in the past.
I also have started to tell people. I’ve told my mum, which means that most of MG branch of my family will know by lunchtime. I’ll tell my dad when I talk to him tonight. Fun times (not)
I’m not getting the nausea anymore and I have a ton more energy that I’m focusing on doing things that I actually want to do.
My appetite has also been reduced slightly. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. I’m not eating my emotions anymore, which is weird.
I had a meeting with my job network. I’m sure that my case manager thought that I was stoned because I was all hazy when he tried to talk to me about the future plans that he had for me. I told him that all I needed right now was help to get into the NEIS program. Wonder if they’ll pay for my insurance with that money they have set aside? Makes me wonder, I can’t be the only person with no substantial means that wants to take part in the program. There must be funding somewhere to help out.
Anyway, I’m thinking about going back to the doctor and asking for a medical certificate to give me a little mental health holiday because I have concerns that all this work will not actually help if I’m pushed and prodded by circumstances.

Some stuff you didn’t know...
1. I wanted to be an artist when I grew up
2. I enjoy getting lost if I have nowhere to be
3. I hate being late to things
4. I’m re-reading my Anne of Green Gables novels (I have the whole saga)
5. Jigsaw puzzles help me put stories together